I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
