did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
