im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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