I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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