I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
