I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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