So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
