Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
