the condom got lost in my hair
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
