I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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