On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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