So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
