Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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