She went from zero to smokin in five shots
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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