You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
