Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
