This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize