drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
