Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
