There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
