FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
