So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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