I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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