Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
