Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
