just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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