I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
