Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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