it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
