I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
