dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
