WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
