Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
