whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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