somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
