There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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