Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
