id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize