I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
