did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
And then he peed in my hair
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