today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you made out with another girl for some wings
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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