i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
