i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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