Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
