We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
