I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
