Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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