I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The ass gains better be worth it
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