checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
