My friends, they love my intelligence
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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