i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
