I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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