I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
