I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
