I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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